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Edinburgh to London Diary

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Day 19 - Friday 8th October 2010

Shock and Awe

Publicans seek to guard their premises from those out to harass their clientele and demand money.

Harry (the driver and now my bodyguard and all out champion) plans his raids on innocent pub customers with all the care of Bonnie and Clyde.

Its all about surprise and sheer affrontery.

Harry's "technique," if it can be called such, is to charge into a pub or restuarant like an amiable rhino whilst carrying a handful of Zane brochures: he darts from table to table talking incessantly, dishing out literature and pointing out me wheezing at my table as the main exhibit of wonder to anyone with a pulse. Such is his speed that no-one has any time to escape. By the time the manager or barmaid has recovered their composure to protest at our outrageous abuse of hospitality and sheer bad manners it is, of course, far too late, the promotion completed, the job done and dusted. I am left facing the aggreaved manager, and I flap my hands in mild despair at Harry's brazen vulgarity. I mutter something about Irish manners and how beyond my control he is. Then I say how sorry I am as we pocket the money. Then we dart to the next pub. We don't collect a lot this way but it's huge fun. By now we have refined the routine to a fine art.

We are now out of Chesterfield and into Nottingham (Papplewick).

I was feeling a bit low but brightened up as soon as I hear that yesterday's walking companion is today a whimpering object of pity, unable to walk and smothered with several blisters the size of fried eggs. What excellent news! Nothing like a bit of schadenfreude to keep one going!

Tom the Terminator

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ZANE - Zimbabwe A National Emergency

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